I Don’t Miss People

I need to start being more honest about my feelings.

Photo by Thom Holmes on Unsplash

I don’t miss people.

There, I said it. What must you think of me? It sounds like I’m a misanthrope, right? Honestly, it’s nothing I hadn’t thought of about myself. I had the following questions repeat on a loop in my mind:

Am I a selfish person?

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I on some spectrum of alexithymia?

Am I living a lie where I pretend to care about people?

All these questions led to other similar doubts, where the outcome was always no. I thought of all the things I’d done out of kindness for people and the times I had been heartbroken when something awful happened to somebody I love. So, I do care? I’d try to console myself. But maybe not enough? The thoughts looped in my mind like an infinity symbol.

For a long time, I felt like I was living a lie. I would say miss you at the end of phone calls to loved ones on autopilot. Sometimes, I would mean it, but more often than not, I wouldn’t. It’s more something that I felt I should say and feel. Thinking if I said it out loud, I would feel it more. But I didn’t. After a phone call, I would linger in thought about my sincerity. I pride myself on being an honest person, almost too honest, so why did I feel the need to…